Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
