if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
