Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
