Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
