the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
