The maid of honor just puked.
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
