She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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