hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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