remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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