I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
