My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
