After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
