sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
