Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
