my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
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