ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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