Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
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