well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
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