you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
