Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
