My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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