and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
