Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
