I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
