Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Randomize
