were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
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