he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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