I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
