"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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