The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize