in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Text me some of your sweat
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