Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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