I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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