apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
