i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
