The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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