omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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