I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
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