He uses pillows to masturbate.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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