He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I need to wash the frat house off of me
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
