I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
