Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
