I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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