Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
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