my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
