We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
you had me at cake vodka
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
