I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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