Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
