Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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