my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
