Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
