All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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