you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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