I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
operation have a gay friend backfired
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
