I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
