we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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