Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
